The legend, the enigma, the mythical Lord Monty Beantipper RN

My name is Roger "Keto-Warrior" Jenkins, MBE I have joined this forum using the name Monty Beantipper in honour of my oldest friend, the legend, the enigma, the mythical Lord Monty Beantipper RN

The first actual meeting between myself and Monty happened in 1993, shortly before a book signing which I was due to attend in Rotherham, being held to mark the launch of my now infamous bestseller 'Starch - My Part in Its Downfall'. Making what I subsequently discovered to be an overenthusiastic request for me to sign his copy first, Monty ran me over in his Vauxhall Senator.

Whilst pinned under his car, I made a conscious decision that, although clearly not an entirely risk free option, it would be a far safer bet to have a man like Monty as a friend, rather than an enemy. I then made a conscious decision to pass out.

RJ

Welcome to the forum Roger, we're honoured to have your esteemed self grace our pages ! I've not read your book but sounds "interesting" ! Look forward to reading further about your adventures :-)

Especially the incident in 1973 when he almost choked to death eating a boiled spud! Roger's relationship with starchy carbs was declared 'Null and Void' from that day onwards!

hi, welcome

A Jolly Roger

Monty first began to dabble in the black art of low-carb during his brave and splendid navy days, which were chiefly spent stalking the Norfolk coastline aboard HMS Bumrush. Having witnessed widespread deviant depravities amid the seamen, and deeply concerned about his own growing love of amatuer dramatics, Monty became suspicious about the effects that the high-carb navy rations were having on the crew.

The final straw came when a late night session of "poop deck conga" turned particularly nasty, compelling Monty to seek refuge in carbohydrate restriction. With his inclination towards voting Liberal Democrat swiftly cured by ketosis, Monty promptly left the navy and was eventually washed up on the beach at Lowestoft. From that day forward, Monty's voting habits were staunchly Conservative. The kinky devil.

RJ

dude, i think your safe house has been comprimised

Reminds me of a game we used to play Roger, it was called "hide the sausage". Loved those early days on the RAF camp :-)

Mo, Beantippers writings and musings are regarded as literary masterpieces and you talk of "hide the sausage"

Eddie

Apologies for lowering the tone, I do hope Mr Tipperbean will return :-)

i think this is too intellectual for me, im gonna leaves yous to it

No Andy, this is perfect for you lol !

it is?

YES !!

Andy12345 wrote:it is?

Well, you were always the funny guy :-)
Mr Lord Minty Tipbeaner is crying out for a man like you to extract info :-)

Lights, Camera, 'Pro-action'

I have always adopted a somewhat low-key, stealth-like approach in my promotion of low-carb; Monty, on the other hand, was always incredibly dogmatic when it came to publicly voicing his forthright views about caloric ratios. While I was content making 'pro-active' speeches during my celebrity appearances to open yet more supermarkets in Haslemere, Monty craved the kind of low-carb limelight that only television could provide.

During the spring of 1996, Monty began a full-frontal media blitzkrieg by hijacking a BBC News bulletin and delivering an impromptu rant about the hidden dangers of fructose, immediately followed by a lighthearted sexual assault on Moira Stewart. Then came Monty's brazen snatching of Patrick Moore's monocle during a recording of 'The Sky at Night', which not only provided some much needed publicity for the 'pro-active' low-carb cause, but also served as a direct protest against Patrick's overt fondness for Mr Cadbury's 'Wispa'.

However, Monty's love affair with the small screen finally came to an abrupt end in November 1998, when he was punched unconscious, live on air, by an enraged Noel Edmonds, who was riled at having witnessed Monty gate-crash his 'House Party' and assault Tony Blackburn with an aubergine.

RJ

Exceedingly Burnt Cakes

"When soldiers have been baptized in the fire of a Battenberg, they have all one rank in my eyes." ~Napoleon Bonaparte

Monty finally proved his 'pro-active' mettle in August 1997, with his participation in our daring broad daylight assault on the Mr Kipling's Cakes factory, near Smethwick. To the rest of the world, Mr Kipling was a loveable old man, spending his twilight years selflessly baking cakes for the good of humanity. To us militant low-carbers, however, he was the evil mastermind behind a thousand glycemic excursions.

Armed with only a makeshift flamethrower, some industrial-strength fireworks and an awful lot of furious anger, we successfully halted cake production for several hours. I Then, perhaps somewhat inevitably, set my own beard alight. Monty, spooked by my new 'flame-grilled' look, ran away; leaving me to suffer the agony of having a van load of policemen extinguish my burning beard using only truncheons and pepper spray.

RJ

Courage Under Fire

"People swallow greedily any starch-based lie that flatters them, but they sip only little by little at a
carb-free truth they find bitter." ~Monty Beantipper

Over many years, myself and Monty honed a theory which attempted to explain why some people low-carb, whilst others stubbornly resist low-carb's glaringly obvious benefits. We both eventually came to the conclusion that ketosis had a positive effect on that part of the human brain which is responsible for maintaining right and proper thinking. Therefore, it stood to reason that the consumption of carbohydrate led to the development of an acute predisposition toward wrongness.

Once published, reactions to our hypothesis from those in the scientific community ranged from mere threats of death, to some very real sniper attacks. This only served to validate our suspicion that, thanks to carbohydrate, there's none so blind as those who will not see.

Hey I've just spotted it's Monty's Birthday next week. He's going to need a lot of candles on his low carb birthday cake..... bet it will be a happy day though

All the best Jan

Jan1 wrote:Hey I've just spotted it's Monty's Birthday next week. He's going to need a lot of candles on his low carb birthday cake..... bet it will be a happy day though

All the best Jan

Just make sure there's no booze in the almond flour cake as with all those candles there might be a towering inferno!!

Paul wrote:

Jan1 wrote:Hey I've just spotted it's Monty's Birthday next week. He's going to need a lot of candles on his low carb birthday cake..... bet it will be a happy day though

All the best Jan

Just make sure there's no booze in the almond flour cake as with all those candles there might be a towering inferno!!

     I have a feeling booze will be very free flowing at his birthday celebrations. Not sure whether he'll make it to Thommo's, he may be at his nutter proof safe house on the South Coast. Have to wait and see......

All the best Jan

Anyone seen Monty lately?

Good point! Sure hope the anti's haven't got to the old boy in a 'Pulp fiction military store basement' kinda way!!